Non-Educational Ole and Lena Jokes!

This page is nothing but Ole and Lena jokes. It has absolutely no educational merit, and it's amazingly entertaining. Enjoy.

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da bus."

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking". Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."

LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.

Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very wealthy
Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?"
"No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of Norway."

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."
Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I don't never have to kiss her goodbye."

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."

Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy." Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?" Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time."

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it. "How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver. "Who was that?" asks Lena. "I have no idea, Lena, " answers Ole. "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear."

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother. "Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked. "Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena. "And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole. "Da stork brought me, " his mother answered. "And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired. "Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena replied. With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No, " replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh, " said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. Ole was to call when he was on his way home from town. Ole called Lena when he entered the freeway. "Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home." Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway." "It's worse than that Lena, where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"

Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes, " replied the pilot. "That's too much, " said Ole. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort. "Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked. "51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded. "What did you do in 51 days?" he probed. "Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"

Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."
Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?" Lena: "In da lake."

Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."